you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
