We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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