didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
