my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
