Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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