I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
