we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
