When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
