My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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