Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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