Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
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