Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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