Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
