Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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