he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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