dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
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