if only i could text you this smell
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
