Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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