I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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