my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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