My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
