my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
