She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
