Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
