I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
