How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
i want to swaddle you in tequila
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
