You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
