Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
