I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
