i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
