my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
