You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
