so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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