It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
