Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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