Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
