I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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