for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
