my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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