someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
