i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
