I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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