I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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