he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
