Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So many bounce houses so little time
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
