Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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