be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
