Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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