Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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