Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
