I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
