So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
