he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
And then my night got REAL pukey
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
