I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
